So, this is the stuff that dreams are made of?

I always thought that once I had my RN I would look/feel different. I don't. I just feel more responsiblity b/c now there is a penalty for any mistake I make. Removal of my RN. Interesting...

On Monday I started with my first patient. Just one. Slightly overwhelming. Today I was going to have to call the doctor to get verbal orders regarding an elevated blood glucose. My preceptor said, "Page Dr. X, and let him know what's happening." Then she walked away. WTF?! I was a little nervous about talking to the doctor & taking a verbal order on my own. My mental conversation was saying, "God Jamie, grow some effing balls." I asked another nurse about paging Dr. X, and she told me how to do it. So I did. No call back. Meanwhile, my anxiety is growing. So I decided that the best way to deal with this was to tell my preceptor that I was a little nervous. I told her and she gave me the stupid look. You know the look, like when you ask the waitress for more lemons for your water... I ended up feeling stupid. It all worked out though. The doctor happened to come along in 20 mins or so and we were able to take a verbal order face to face. Just seeing what the doctor looked like made me feel better. A completely nice guy who puts his pants on the same way the rest of us. He is just human...duh. I thank some wonderful people in the past for making authority figures such fearful icons.

So my new RN position is not without its fair share of mishaps. Here are two... I pushed Dilaudid into an IV then flushed slow. But obviously not slow enough & gave the patient a major head rush. woops. Hope you enjoyed the ride?
Next, I got an order on my patient to discontinue the IV fluids. Somewhere from the chart to my brain the order changed to discontinue the IV access. So I went in and took down the IV bag but also pulled out his heplock. So he had no IV access. I can't tell you how many times I've heard in school that you never pull out the IV access till they are walking out of the hospital, just in case you need to give something IV. Another woops. But that patient's heplock was due to expire the next day anyway.

Yes, I beat myself up ALL night about these 2 imperfections. Yes, I hate that about myself... Fortunately my preceptor did not even mention a thing about it today. But don't you know that I learned from it all. So today when I pushed morphine IV for a patient who needed it religiously q 3 hours, I did it right & no head rush occured. :)

Okay, I will cut myself some slack. But whoever said that nursing school was the hardest part was a freaking liar. This job is hard. There, I said it. And many times through out the day I find myself wanting to cry and run for my life. Some how I manage to hold it together and I think there in lies my growth. I am growing & stretching. I need to learn to embrace that.