Today marks the last full day with the kids I nanny. Last night they had a cake and cards and a picture collage of them from the past 8 years. I was crying from the moment they came out with the cake and cards. I couldn't control myself, another pathetic moment by me & my tears. Yeah, I guess you could say I'm attached! After we ate the cake and looked at the pictures we reminisced about all the good times. They want me to come over after my first day on the job and tell them all about it. Totally sweet! We decided that I would still take care of the boys in the fall after school for half of the week. That way I will still be able to see them and stuff. I love that idea & hope it will work. Even still, it felt bittersweet to say goodbye.
When I got home I had to literally repeat to myself "I'm making the right decision" over and over and over. I don't know if I can be a nurse. I don't know if I can handle all the stress and challenges & still not kill anyone. I am at that moment when your parent lets go of the seat of your bike w/out the training wheels for the first time. You have that split second where you realize no one is holding you. It's all up to you. The pavement flashes in front of your face & you wonder how bad it will hurt if you fall. That is where I am; wobbling along with my 2 wheels, swerving back and forth, fighting for balance.
Honestly, I don't even have the courage to console myself that one day I will be racing along riding with my hands in the air with perfect balance. I hope that will be me, but for now, I'm gripping the handlebars with a death grip. Deep down, I can feel the fight in me rising, though, and that comforts me. I've felt this before, when fear grabs hold of me so tight I feel like I'm suffocating, that is when the fighter rises up & then no one can hold me down.
I'll end this emotional post with a quote that I've enjoyed lately.
"The reward of a thing well done is to have done it." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
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3 comments:
As a friend who's known you since second grade... just about the time you were probably 'riding on your own', I know you can do it -- The fighter in you is one of Championship worth -- You didn't get where you are today without having fought many battles -- It's prepared you for this next step -- I'm so proud of you and I'm with you every step of the way...
I wish that I could take away those feelings of doubt and fear. I have them too. Keep in mind that all nurses were "NEW" at one time and no one was perfect from the begining. You have accomplished so much just by finishing. All the nurses I have talked to say that nursing school was much harder than nursing itself.
Have Faith.
Amy
wow, i can totally feel your stress! I think i will feel very similar, but with my own kids. I've been taking pre-reqs and doing the AD program for years. It'll be totally different when i start working. Hopefully in January/February since I'll graduate in December (God willing!!!). And I love the whole thing about, the fighter rising up, just about the time you feel like you're going down! That is sooo me. Okay, you don't know me but i hope you come by to visit my blog too. Heather
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