Does It Get Better?

Today was rough. I just felt completely un-nerved all day, I don't really know why. Ok, the update...
I am taking 3 patients this week. My preceptor is supporting me with some of their care, but mostly I am trying to field all the details. I have gotten all 25 venipuncture sticks, all 5 EKGs, and 3 of 5 hep-locks. My progress meeting with my preceptor and educator was yesterday. The overall thoughts were that I am doing good. I've seen a lot, hung heparin, hung blood, changed a colostomy, admitted & discharged patients, taken verbal orders, etc.
All of that is good stuff that I have done, however those "things" don't translate into confidence on the inside for me. Today, with my 3 patient load I felt overwhelmed & fought back the urge to cry all day. I just get nervous pulling the meds & I feel like I have to concentrate so much to make sure I am getting the right meds and administering them correctly. I know in time I will start to feel more comfortable, like after I've pulled up morphine IV 50 times. But for now I still have to concentrate, and I guess that is a good thing.
Today I took a verbal order for a low potassium. I handled it quite well & felt comfortable talking with the doctor. That is progress & I have to give myself credit for that. Ok, deep breath & pat on the back.
I also actually had to be an advocate for a patient today. The patient wasn't getting any answers regarding his procedure, he was frustrated & was getting anxious. In spite of looking stupid in front of the surgeons, I got the results the patient needed. While we were in the patient's room, he said to the surgeon, "This one here is a great nurse (pointing towards me). She has been really great to me all day. She is just wonderful. I couldn't ask for anyone better." Yeah, that is when the tears wanted to gush. After, the surgeon was cleaning up and not looking, he mouthed the words, "Thank You." That said it all. The stupid humiliation I endured was worth making this patient comfortable & getting him the care he needed. I was his advocate, I fought for what he needed.
When I look back on it, the whole situation "felt" more humiliating than it really was. And it wasn't actually that big of a deal. It's just because I'm new & I don't know how things work that I feel so inept.
The day was long & tiring and I promptly burst into tears the moment I got in my car and knew I was safe. I find myself wondering, "Is this really what I want to do, now that I see what it is all about?" The other new nurses who were hired with me are thinking the same thing. We didn't really know what were were getting into, but now that we are in it we are a little shocked. I don't know what to think of it all. I try to look at the facts, that my preceptor & educator are saying to me that I am doing good & I am where I should be at this point in my orientation. But let me tell you, if confidence/guts/balls/backbones/assertiveness were something you could buy - I would pay any price just to have it. No lie.
Tomorrow I go to the cath lab & then rotate with PT/OT for the afternoon. I'm grateful for the break from the floor.